Written by Jeff Brone
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Topics: American Idol

Wednesday, 12 March 2008

image for Old Salt Vexed by Young Rascals
Bloody young'uns

Phineas Q. Merriwether, a retired cooper and part time bootblack, has to admit he is vexed by these young upstarts featured on this new fangled "American Idol" program.

This reporter caught up with Mr. Merriwether while he was playing cribbage with an old friend from the hides and tallows plant, and Mr. Merriwether gave us an earful, to say the least. "I can't rightly cozen to these young crooners" he explained. "They seem pleasant enough, and I rest assured they are seldom truant with respect to their schooling, but their singing positively gives me the heebie jeebies."

Mr. Merriwether went on to explain he caught the latest broadcast "on a friend's kinescope machine, a right stylish one, with all the trimmings" and was "aghast at the display of such caterwauling." He was compelled to "ride the volume like an old glue horse, excuse my saucy language" as the minstrels simply sang too loud. In addition, the "young women were dressed in the most improper fashion, baring ankles and I daren't say what else, and the young men were mostly in need of a haircut at least, and perhaps a day's honest labor, if truth be told!"

Mr. Merriwether thought little of the choice of songs. "Alack the day, they were all sailor's bluster and rumble" as he put it. He explained that when he was "knee high to a wicket, he could spend a hard earned nickel on a horehound stick and an afternoon at the local music hall and see the likes of 'Jacobowski and Saltzberg' perform old standards like 'Uncle Moishe's Motormobile' or 'Gettin' Round with Enid'. We sometimes even got free dishsoap pads or a whistle! That was music you could dance the hootchie-koo to!"

He added, in reference to these young singers, that maybe such "high falutin' fare just wasn't his cup of tea, but darn my knickers, that's not the kind of moxie that kicked the Kaiser in the pants!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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