California - (Fat Ass Mess): Lisa Marie Presley is suing celebrity-watch paper LA FagHagSlagMag over stories that her phantom pregnancy has made her into a corpulent 25-stone laughingstock gargoyle.
"It's a basic, gastrointestinal greed condition," an LA FagHagSlagMag editorial said today, "and could happen to anybody with an over-inflated ego, precious little talent and a hystery of highly dubious heterosexual relationships with the tribute act known as Michael Jackson."
Presley, 39, has recently swollen up like a farrowing swine.
She was snapped by paparazzi cramming five litre vats of chocolate chip ice cream down her gullet last week.
On Friday evening the LA Fire Department was called out on an emergency rescue after lardarse Presley got stuck in the revolving doors of the Bel Air Hotel and had to cut out with thermic lance equipment.
Then on Saturday afternoon the suspension on her brand new Cadillac Seville mysteriously buckled with metal fatigue after Presley got in the car and tried to pull out of a Rodeo Drive sidewalk.
"It's just a phantom pregnancy jinx," Presley screamed at reporters today.
"And I ain't fat!"