In a development that is sure to rivet the attention of celebrity tabloid readers around the world for several seconds until they realize what it's actually about, the Hilton International Hotel and Convention Center in Paris, France, has filed a civil lawsuit in The Hague against Los Angeles socialite Paris Hilton for trademark infringement and loss of income.
Hotel director Bretagne Deslances explains, "Our advance bookings had been dropping off for eleven consecutive quarters, so we did some research and found out that most hotels in our category get 67% of their reservations over the Internet, whereas for us it's only 8%.
Then we realized: it's impossible to look us up on a search engine. Put the words 'Hilton' and 'Paris' into Google and all you get is a hundred thousand pages of nobrow gossip, flatliner hype, nipple slips and popup ads for bootleg porn videos. It's intolerable! It's unthinkable! It's an outrage! Also, the quality of the photography is terrible. On most of the sites, anyway."
The hotel has retained the services of prominent LA lawyer Mark "MARK-WITH-A-K-G-E-R-A-G-O-S!" Geragos, who estimates the damages to be in the "middle eight figures".
When asked whether suing Miss Hilton, a member of the family that founded and still owns the hotel group, could only at best result in a reshuffling of funds within the corporation while incurring staggering legal fees, Geragos replied, "Shhhhhh!"