BBC bosses have decided to waste the licence fee on a sit-com based on the life and loves of Jimmy Somerville. An all-star cast has been lined up including Ian Hislop as his deformed younger sister, and Brian Blessed playing the lead role.
The brains behind this humour-scam are a new hit squad of zany comics, headed by Moira Stewart. They've named their fun collective the Genetically Modified Choral Reef, and are believed to spend their spare time mocking and jostling disables.
An insider who I met behind the bike sheds at lunchtime has leaked details of characters in the show. They include an ultra-camp dog, an intensely irritable uncle with a lisp, a fat and randy old woman, and the ad-libs of Blessed himself, who often uses his bellowing laugh to deafen audiences before awful punch lines.
Filming of the pilot episode has been hit by tragedy. The live studio response wasn't responding as well as hoped to the now infamous "malfunctioning microwave" sketch. Producer Nordic Winters needed to get the studio audience laughing, so he decided to release chimps into the crowd.
Winters, 44, said, "I think the plan worked, there was initially laughter at the chimps cheeky capering. In fact the only thing I'd do differently would be to try and avoid a repeat of the inter-species fighting. The apes were the protagonists, but a couple from Essex were being inflammatory towards the chimps, I noticed".
Three members of the audience are now rabid, and roaming the streets of West London - all because of the chumps who released the chimps.
Other projects in the pipeline at the Beeeeb are rumoured to include an alternative drag act, with a man dressing as a sheep to the delight of onlookers, and a new episode of "Last of the Summer Wine". Compo's rigor mortis is no match for the even harder bats of the youth gang stealing his pension.
Meanwhile, BBC bosses have justified their decision to broadcast "Somerville Humourosity Bum" by saying, "we're all in it for the laughs?sit back and enjoy the ride". Rodd Justice says let's ban these sit-cons and get Bobby Davro back on telly.