Written by Jesus Budda
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Monday, 3 March 2008

image for Tom Cruise Grows Beard For Latest Role
Show me the money!

Heterosexual Scientology-loving Hollywood heartthrob, Tom Cruise has grown a beard to portray Rumpelstiltskin in his latest movie. The star - who is married to a woman, and likes having sex with women and only women - says he is finding it tricky to get used to his new look but that it will help him stay in character.

"The beard restricts the movement of my smile", said Cruise, "so that I have to focus more on my acting rather than my boyish charm and my excessively shouty voice".

Rumpelstiltskin is a popular tale by legendary Oscar-winning German writers The Brothers Grimm.

It tells the story of a father who boasts to the local greedy Prince that his daughter can spin hay into gold. The Price accepts the offer, locks the girl in a dungeon and promises to marry her only if she can complete the task - if not, she dies.

The frightened girl asks a magical little creepy man to spin hay into gold so that she may impress the handsome prince and marry him. In return she must give the little man her first-born child - unless she can guess his name.

Tom's 'wife', Katie Holmes will play the woman. Tom will play both the 'charming' Prince and Rumpelstiltskin.

Tom has strenuously denied that the film will be autobiographical.

"Tom cannot spin hay into gold and he would never demand a child in return for a faux marriage", said Cruise's lawyers.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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