The Cosmos - (Psychotic Mess): This week's eclipsed full moon spells crack-up time for the fragile narcotic-fuelled egos of Fairy la-la Land according to predictions in California's LA FagHagSlagMag, the top celeb gossip news site.
The eclipsed moon will be at two degrees Virgo at 3.30GMT Thursday when the Earth will block the sun's light from reaching the surface of the moon "and all hell could break loose among those abstinent, chemically starved Fairy La-la Land ladies:
"Take that as when all that clean and serene recovery psychobabble is blocked by yet another massive crystal meth/crack cocaine/Stolly-Bolly-fuelled binge-out," the news site's editorial warns.
"That's something that only ever occurs when Briney's/Amy's/Paris's hormones stand a good chance of getting blamed for confusing a brain with a vagina."
Will the moon turn red with shame at all that orgiastic bingeing during the eclipse? The site's readers are demanding answers.
"Well, the moon is generally partially above or below Earth's shadow," the editorial continues.
"Thursday's eclipse has the Virgo moon opposing the Pisces sun - and as everybody in Fairy la-la Land knows, Pisces is the sign of the fish and of all those that drink like a fish.....and them that likes to screw their bollocks/snatches off with crack/crystal meth-fuelled binges to up the testosterone ante," LAFagHagSlag adds helpfully.
"During an eclipsed full moon the only sanity that reaches Britney's/Amy's/Paris's brain cells has been filtered and refracted through those lethal Stolichnaya Vodka/Bollinger Champagne chasers - known as StollyBollies in the trade," Professor V Smart, head of Lunar Psychiatry at LA's Seedy Signs Psych Hospital is quoted as saying in the editorial coverage.
"Hell, I'm no star-gazer," Smart continued, "but I've seen enough toxic crap in these women to make a man's balls retract inside the scrotum for at least a week.
"We get so many extra admissions in the psych ward during these lunar eclipses it's enough to make you wonder at the so-called correlations.
"The earth's atmosphere supposedly gets swamped with blue light and these toxic ladies get so smashed it takes a full six months in detox to clean out their fannies.
"Typically," Prof V Smart continues "the amount of angel dust or PCP - phencyclidine - use in the party situation can also determine the amount of lethally fatal lunatic activity like the legendary psychotic eruptions in Paris Hilton's pudenda.
"When PCP is mixed with crack it becomes part of the notorious space basing orgies favored by so many of these bimbo celebs," Smart opines.
"Diagnosing the ensuing brain and vaginal damage after one of these space base lunar eclipse binges doesn't require an astonomer's special equipment," Smart continues, "you can see the entire event with your naked eye.
"But be careful you don't dislodge a retina, it ain't exactly a pretty picture."