Written by Jack Battler
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Topics: Drugs, Rock 'n' Roll

Friday, 15 February 2008

image for Rock-n-Roll Hall of Fame bans performance enhancing drugs
Rock 'n' Roll? Meh, I'll take my chances in the Pop hall of fame instead.

CLEVELAND, OHIO -- In a self-policing move to fend off possible Congressional hearings into the use of performance enhancing drugs by top musical recording artists, the Rock-n-Roll Hall of Fame announced today it will purge itself of any music made by artists who performed or recorded music while under the influence of drugs.

The announcement comes amidst the flurry of investigations into the use of drugs by various sports stars such as baseball idols Roger Clemmens, Barry Bonds and others.

Legal representatives for the Rock-n-Roll Hall of Fame issued a statement to the press today that left little doubt as to the seriousness of the forthcoming purge.

"It has become clear that, along with athletes, musicians are often seen as role models for our children. With that in mind it would be negligent for those of us who represent the Rock-n-Roll Hall of Fame to continue to idolize and lionize those who choose to cheat by using performance-enhancing drugs to further their careers. Therefore, we are beginning a full and thorough review of all artists currently in the Hall of Fame and will shortly announce which artists will remain and which will be removed.

"If it is determined that a particular artist did use drugs, we will not only remove them from our records, but will recommend that all existing recordings of their music be designated unfit for use and made illegal to possess, play or purchase."

The reaction to the announcement by fans has ranged from bewilderment and shock to downright disbelief.

"This is bizarre," said James "Jeeb" Benson, a long time pop music aficionado and collector of vinyl records going back to the birth of pop music. "This isn't baseball where doing drugs might jeopardize national security or something. This is rock-n-roll baby! They must be out of their f-ing minds if they think I'm giving up my records."

But official say they will go ahead with the plan regardless of what fans or anyone else says.

"We realize that this is going to upset a lot of people," said Eric Sobert, spokesman for the Rock-n-Roll Hall of Fame. "But if we don't do it ourselves it's just a matter of time before the government does it for us. We want to be family friendly - sex, drugs and rock-n-roll should not be what our kids learn. We prefer 'Safe sex (if you are old enough), just say no to illegal drugs and have a super time dancing to good clean music.' I know it's a bit unwieldy as a slogan, but we are working on it."

Pop music legend Keith Richards reacted to the announcement with anger. "Bullocks!" he said. "Wait 'til Mick hears about this. He'll tell 'em what they can do with their bloody drug testing… and by the way, I want to go on record now that I never did any drugs or anything like that, as far as I know."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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