SANTA BARBARA, California -- A bench warrant has been issued for Michael Jackson following his indictment by a grand jury investigating allegations that the pop star molested a 12-year-old boy, a source close to the case said Thursday.
Sources close to the Pop Star have denied the allegations, claiming that the 12-year-old boy was actually a chimpanzee of Jackson's acquaintance. "Oh," the sources immediately said, "that's not much better, is it? It was, ummmm Cabbage Patch Doll! Yeah! That's it!"
The Sources close to Jackson then stuttered for ten minutes as it dawned on them that each explanation offered merely served to confirm that Jackson is in fact a great big fruity freak from outer space that ought to be locked up.....a lot.
Jackson, 45, pleaded not guilty in January to seven felony counts of lewd or lascivious acts with a child under 14 and two counts of giving the child an "intoxicating agent." The agent involved was described by sources as "Chloroform".
His lawyers issued a statement saying they were confident Jackson would be "fully exonerated, especially once the check clears the bank."
Jackson was unavailable for comment, due to a cub-scout jubilee taking place not far from his "Fruity Freak Wonderland" Ranch.