Written by Dave Foreman
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Topics: Reality TV

Wednesday, 5 September 2001

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The amazingly successful and incredibly tedious reality show, "The Jagoff Chronicles" recently got an unexpected publicity boost from one of its contestants. Harper Q. Griswold, of Iguana Breath, Indiana, automatically became the winner of the contest by the simple expedient of murdering the other seven participants.

TV viewers will remember "The Jagoff Chronicles" for its unusual premise. Seven contestants had to spend two years in a rubber dinghy without food or water in a swamp just behind the Three Mile Island nuclear reactor. At the end of each three month period, the contestant adjudged by all participants as having the most offensive body odor had to get out of the dinghy and walk to the reactor, where he or she would be picked up at the end of the contest. The winner was to be declared, "World Champion Jagoff" and receive two million department store club points, a trip for three to Chernobyl and a commemorative ash tray.

The show's producers refused comment as to why Griswold had apparently run amok, saying simply that viewers could see it all on network TV this winter. They would also not speculate as to how Griswold had managed to smuggle an Ouzi, several Swiss army knives and a bottle of hemlock water aboard the dinghy, despite the fact that the contestants had all been strip-searched, especially the female ones.

Rathwell Toby, the show's director, for many years a top broadcast has-been, was asked about the six brutal slayings. He would only state that this winter viewers would see "Television like they never before seen it at no time ever."

Griswold is now under extreme protective custody at The North Infirmary Command Jail on Rikers Island. He has reportedly asked to be executed, but not right away. He has also refused to cooperate with authorities until his ashtray has been delivered to him.

The Jagoff Chronicles is scheduled to air uncut on the Learning Channel in December, just in time for Christmas. It has been rated PG 13 because it contains no nudity, explicit sexual conduct or reference to alternative lifestyle orientation.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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