Written by queen mudder
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Topics: Music, adele adkins

Sunday, 3 February 2008

image for Fat 19 year old's album makes UK No #1
Adkins seen here missing her banjo

London - (Large Ass Mess): A new Amy Winehouse she ain't. For a start Winehouse could fit three times over into Adele Adkins' since 20+ comfort-stretch jeans. In fact her entire body could squeeze into just one leg of Adkins' Country Casuals Easypants and still leave room for Pete Doherty to slip in for a quickie.

But Winehouse is in rehab and Adele Adkins has somehow miraculously slid her way to the top of the UK album charts with '19', her debut offering.

The 19 year old Londoner is the new flavor of the month after winning BBC's Sound of 2008 in January, beating scores of other, non-corpulent overeaters to the Beeb's top music prize.

Her single Chasing Pavements has been propelled to the No #2 slot in the UK hit parade which is kinda ironic because judging by Adkins' blobby physique jogging or any other physical effort - bar from stuffing her face - is anathema to her.

Her songs are somewhat tawdry adolescent posturings about the gut-wrenching banalities of fatgirl love traumas.

The words 'scraping' and 'bottom of the barrel' spring to mind and after two minutes of loistening to her album an overwhelming desire to purge at both sphincter ends overcomes the listener to rush to the bog.

"But she has such a wonderful voice!" is an apologia for all that blubbery juvenile nonsense I hear you say.

Nothing really unusual outside Billingsgate Market, I would reply.

That's where most top-register female voices have made themselves heard for centuries according to tradition.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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