Written by Kid Savage
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Topics: Britney Spears

Saturday, 2 February 2008

image for Normally goofy Spears getting it together
Spears takes some time out on the beach

Hospitalized from her latest mental breakdown, Hollywood's favorite daffy broad, Britney Spears, told reporters on Saturday that she's getting her life under control and will be released in a day or so. Her first order of business will be getting a tastefully styled Mohawk hairdo.

"Looking back now, I can see how people thought I was nuts when I shaved off all my hair," the diva said from her well-appointed padded room while eating strained sushi through a twisty straw. "But when you're a mega-star, people hold you to a higher standard. They expect you to be fashionable, and let me tell you, 2007 was a crazy crazy time in our history.

"Everybody was using the Flowbee Haircutting System."

Spears said she will throw out the Flowbee, as per doctor's orders, to keep dangerous, self-destructive items and accessories out of her claws.

"I hate to do it because I got a good deal on it -- $49.95 plus shipping," Spears said. "But that wasn't all! They also gave me a broom for one of my lackeys to sweep up the clippings, and a garden trowel to plant them in the back yard.

"Why people think I'm deranged, I haven't a clue."

Spears also said she wants to settle down and show she can be a responsible parent. She plans to return to her Louisiana roots and get a tattoo of the United States on her back and shoulders with the red and blue states colored in.

"It's an election year, you know, and I just want to sing and dance about it," she said. "The country hasn't had any good election songs or albums lately. That's my next project, write it down."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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