Hospitalized from her latest mental breakdown, Hollywood's favorite daffy broad, Britney Spears, told reporters on Saturday that she's getting her life under control and will be released in a day or so. Her first order of business will be getting a tastefully styled Mohawk hairdo.
"Looking back now, I can see how people thought I was nuts when I shaved off all my hair," the diva said from her well-appointed padded room while eating strained sushi through a twisty straw. "But when you're a mega-star, people hold you to a higher standard. They expect you to be fashionable, and let me tell you, 2007 was a crazy crazy time in our history.
"Everybody was using the Flowbee Haircutting System."
Spears said she will throw out the Flowbee, as per doctor's orders, to keep dangerous, self-destructive items and accessories out of her claws.
"I hate to do it because I got a good deal on it -- $49.95 plus shipping," Spears said. "But that wasn't all! They also gave me a broom for one of my lackeys to sweep up the clippings, and a garden trowel to plant them in the back yard.
"Why people think I'm deranged, I haven't a clue."
Spears also said she wants to settle down and show she can be a responsible parent. She plans to return to her Louisiana roots and get a tattoo of the United States on her back and shoulders with the red and blue states colored in.
"It's an election year, you know, and I just want to sing and dance about it," she said. "The country hasn't had any good election songs or albums lately. That's my next project, write it down."