Written by Lord Falsey
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Sunday, 27 January 2008

image for Girl Marries Her Mobile
Caroline and Her New Husband, Nicholas Nokia

Caroline Dixon, a 16 year old school pupil from Chorley, Manchester, married her mobile phone last week at a private registry office ceremony. Under new marriage licensing laws issued by the Government, anyone above the age of 12 can now marry their mobile phone if they want to.

The ceremony was attended by Dixon's close family and the service was blessed by Mike Arnold, a representative from Nokia. Speaking after the service, Mr Arnold commented that he believed that the marriage "would be the first of many ceremonies to take place across the country". Rival companies such as Vodaphone and Orange have received thousands of marriage requests since the news broke.

Arnold continued; "Teenagers love their mobile phones and take pleasure from using them constantly on public transport, during school lessons, whilst on the toilet and some kids even have their head pieces connected to their ears, whilst they're sleeping. Marriage is such a natural progression and means that kids of today can spend the rest of there lives together with their beloved phones".

During the service, Dixon was dressed in a fetching pink and cream bridal gown which featured heavy sponsorship from Nokia on the reverse of the dress. The traditional wedding theme of "Here Comes The Bride" was replaced by a melody of classic Nokia ring tones played by organist Reginald Brampton.

"I feel like the happiest girl alive," grinned Dixon, shortly before jetting off to Florida with her new lover, Nicholas Nokia. "It was like a case of love at first sight when I first saw Nicholas in the shop window". Dixon also explained that if hadn't been for a Nokia stores person, the pair may never have met all: "It's weird like, cause I was only browsing in the store, but this really pushy salesperson encouraged me to buy Nicholas and I ended up having a two year contract with him," Dixon continued. "My two year contract with Nicholas Nokia has been like pure bliss, but marrying him certainly make things more permanent like. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him and I'll never look at another new Nokia model".

Her new husband remained on silent throughout the service but bleeping afterwards commented "I love Caroline, she pushes all the right buttons for me".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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