Bollywood - (Reuterus & Ass Mess): Bollywood movie queen Aishwarya Rai has vented her fury on dodgy wedding astrologers who drew up her marriage chart nine months ago predicting superstud husband Abhishek Bachchan would impregnate her with twin girls, to be born on February 14, St Valentine's Day 2008.
"It's been a total disaster in the pregnancy department," Aishwarya has confided to friends, "and it's all Abhishek's fault, he's been firing blanks ever since we got married.
"Believe me, his sperm-count is almost zero. How do I know? Well, I damned well counted for myself that's why. As if I didn't have better things to do with my time than sit up all night with a magnifying glass and a pocket calculator...
"And now his family are going round saying it must be my fault, I must be under a bad conjunction.
"Of course I din't dare complain at first, because his family would go totally nuts at any suggestion that it's Abhishek that's deficient.
"But they're the ones who said our fertility was heaven-sent by the stars. It's all on the prenup marriage dowry small print. Two sets of twins in the first three years and fifty million rupees housekeeping allowance!"
Additional reporting from the Spoof's Astrology Desk.