Written by Monkey Woods
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Friday, 1 February 2008

image for New James Bond Film 'A Quantity Of Shoelaces' Set For December Release
Dmitri Klogg

The new James Bond movie, A Quantity of Shoelaces, starring Daniel Craig and his real-life mother, Wendy, has divided 007 fans over its strange title and subject matter.

Wendy Craig, who took the lead role in the 1970s sitcoms And Mother Makes 3, and Butterflies, makes a welcome return in the latest 007 film at the age of 89 years old, and steals the limelight from her dashing son, making his second appearance as Bond.

The film itself is, in the recent tradition of James Bond films, a load of old tripe with gadgets. An evil shoemaker, bent on world domination, proposes to rid civilisation of tie-up footwear, and enlists the help of an ex-KGB agent, busty Sonja Litvinenko to assist him in this.

Litvinenko, played by real-life Russian model Nikola Nickerless, pretends to befriend Bond in a Hamburg gay bar, and the two set off for Siberia where megalomaniac Dmitri Klogg, played by Elton John, has established a huge manufacturing base from where he is churning out millions of slip-on shoes per day.

Bond takes with him a quantity of shoelaces (see title) in an attempt to thwart this stupid plan, and the rest, as we have come to know, is all Martinis, tuxedos, casinos and innuendos, with some passionate face-sucking thrown in for good measure.

Daniel Craig is again mediocre as Bond, but watch out for mum, Wendy, in a flashback scene where she shows him how to tie shoelaces.

Opening in December, the film also stars Sue Pollard, former-EastEnder Wendy Richard, Bruce Forsyth (nice to see you, to see you nice!), Dudley Moore and rock star Jon Bon Jovi in a brilliant cameo role as a bus driver.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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