Roehampton, W London - (Heath Ledger Mess): Scientology agents provocateur have made successful covert contact with a livid Amy Winehouse at London's top drug-slag rehab The Priory.
The singer had been sectioned by her parents "for her own good" after developing a tacky smokers' cough linked to sharing unsterilised crack-burning pipes.
As she languished in the Priory's private ward detox wing today undercover Narconon poachers were smuggled in through the rehab's kitchen kitted out as pest control operatives.
Moments later they found Amy strapped to a bed and on a drip of intravenous Valium.
The 12-Step detox program designed to clean up the toxic chanteuse relies on a tranquilliser stun-gun approach to withdrawal before initiating a talking therapy based on powerlessness and unmanagability.
The bounty-hunters then offered to spring Amy from the clinic straight into a Narconon facility run at a luxurious London five star hotel.
The cultists told Amy if she agreed to clean up with them they would then "send in their big guns" - maybe Tom Cruise himself? - to paper over the cracks (no pun intended) of her US travel visa problems incurred after a cannabis bust last year in Norway.
According to very reliable sources at the clinic Winehouse then hurriedly agreed to sign a backdated statement saying she had been under the professional care of top Scientology narcotics guru Prof V Smart.
And that as his patient she was transferring voluntarily to a detox facility run by the Narconons.
As they bundled her into a track suit and slipped out of a fire-escape staircase on the top floor of the clinic, a sleek black limousine was waiting parked just outside the Priory's grounds, engine running windows blackened.
But who should it be at the wheel of the limo?
"It looked an awful lot like Babyshambles singer Pete Doherty," Mrs Doris Trompe L'Oeil, a rehab cleaner, later told London tabloid The Evening Tosser.