California - (Pathetic Mess): Britney Spears' love affair with hair extensions may be at the root of significant deviant behavior according to specialists at the Seedy-Signs Hospital in LA.
Consultant trichologists familiar with the epidemiology of hair extension toxicology have said the singer might be experiencing glue seepage into her brain, causing untold damage on top of any pre-existing medical condition(s):
"Hair glue could be causing a chemical reaction to narcotic traces stored in Britney's follicles," Prof V Smart said today.
"Latex-based cyano-acrylate adhesives are a popular choice among LA styling salons.
"Normally they're safe. But a chemical reaction with cannabinoids, cocaine, crystal meth and Jack Daniels inevitably wreaks havoc in the medulla oblongata region of the brain," the medic added.
"Symptoms can include mania, dementia, delusional and psychotic behavior, grandiosity and an overwhelming belief that wearing tacky size zero clothing when thirty pounds overweight is the epitome of chic."
Meanwhile LA gossip columns are doing a roaring business bitching about reports that Britney's hair salon has been buying all its human hair extension pieces from Third World schizophrenics who have resorted to selling their locks just to pay for medication.
"Think about it," an editorial in LA FilthyFagHagMag said this week.
"It might be like heart transplant patients suddenly taking on the psychological characteristics of their organ donors.
"Maybe there's this psychic transference thinggy going on. Britney could be unwittingly taking on all these extra personalities via the dodgy hair extensions.
"Is this what's causing her own personality to mutate beyond all recognition?"
Other reports speculate that the sheer weight "of all that extra wehorsehair" in such closep proximity to Britney's brain might be straining on vital oxygen supplies.
"Her haemoglobin is probably depleted anyway because of all the carbon monoxide in the LA atmosphere," one Malibu resident mused today.
"Perhaps if she moved to some wonderful clean-air zone thousands of miles from LA - think Montana! - everybody round here could finally breathe a sigh of relief......
er.... the beneficial and therapeutic effects on her metabolism would soon do her a power of good!"
Meanwhile back at the LA Prisons Department medics who treated spoilt brat bimbo Paris Hilton at Lynwood Jail psychiatric ward are said to be compiling a dossier on possible mental dysfunction among California socialites linked to malfunctions in Copper 7 Intra-Uterine Devices.
"Our theory is at a nascent stage," a spokesperson said, "but may eventually explain why so many of these dumbass broads can't stop thinking with their sexual organs."
Kevin Federline has a new lawyer.