Written by Deanna Goodson
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Sunday, 4 April 2004

image for Who is Spongebob Squarepants?
Spongebob, we hardly know ye!

Bikini Bottom, Under the Ocean Somewhere --

Spongebob Squarepants, the lovable dolt from the popular Nickelodeon cartoon, is not exactly what he seems.

"Yes, I got my degree from Hah-vahd. I studied Classical Languages and Literatures. After college, I struggled to find legitimate acting jobs, but no one wants to hire a sponge to play Shakespeare. Casting agents are so discriminatory." Sir Spongerobert Percy Fancypants III said today from his high rise pineapple on the upper west side of Bikini Bottom.

"He's such an arrogant piece of coral, that one. I don't like him much," Joe "Squidward Tentacles" Inkblow said. "I bet you don't know that he's got six illegitimate sponge-anemones with three different mommas. He's not right in the head, that one."

When asked about his children, Sir Spongerobert said, "That's my business, not yours. I am an actor. I do my job. That does not make me tabloid fodder. I never asked to be a public figure, did I?"

"See, I told you he was rude." Squidward said. "I am not bitter, I tell you. I just think he uses his sexuality to get ahead, like those chicks on the 'Apprentice'. His talent, and maybe even his degree, are not legitimate, just like his children. Bwahahahaha."

Sandy Cheeks, Mr. Krabs and Patrick couldn't be reached for comment. We'll have to wait for updates on this story.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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