SALEM, MASSACHUSETTS - While in town visiting the graves of her ancestors, Heather Mills McCartney was arrested and charged with six counts of "abnormal flying" under Salem's so-called "witch ordinance" which dates back to 1692.
Heather Mills McCartney, the estranged wife of former Beatle Sir Paul McCartney, is being held in a specially constructed cell in the rat-infested Old Salem Jail that is used only for those detained under the provisions of the Witch Ordinance.
Police Chief Robert M. St. Pierre told reporters, "Several police officers observed Heather Mills McCartney flying over town on at least six different occasions. We have lots of cases of women riding around on brooms here in Salem, but this is the first time we've ever caught a witch riding an artificial leg! We confiscated the leg and have it secured in our evidence room. Ms. Mills is hobbling around in a special jail cell with cast iron walls and ceiling."
Heather Mills McCartney will face trial as soon as Chief Justice William Stoughton returns from his annual fishing trip. The Salem Department of Public Works is constructing a wooden gallows in anticipation of a guilty verdict. Local inns and hotels are already solidly booked up for the witch trial.
Overseas in London, Paul McCartney commented, "Heather was always a cold-hearted bitch, but this news from America confirms my worst suspicions about her. I really don't want to see poor Heather hung from the gallows though; I was kind of hoping for something just a bit slower."