KOLCATA - India News Bureau - Hundreds of reporters gathered at the train station to wait for actress Angelina Jolie who was arriving in town to begin filming the rock opera version of "Mother Teresa."
As her train passed through the suburbs of the city formerly known as Calcutta, Angelina pressed her face against the window and tried counting each of the over 14 million people who call the former capital of India home.
Just after dawn, the train arrived at Howrah Station as reporters fought with one another, even though none were sure which car the movie star would exit from. Ms. Jolie tricked all of them, jumped off the back of the last car and quickly transferred her 22 trunks, suitcases, and shopping bags onto a waiting small cycle rickshaw. The driver, loading the last trunk onto his tiny cab thought, "Ay Curamba, what is this woman hauling?"
An intrepid TheSpoof.com reporter who saw her climbing into the rickshaw, hopped on his rented scooter, and gave chase. Soon after getting underway, Angelina asked her driver to stop to pick up some phuchka from a street vendor. Angelina tossed back several phuchka while the driver glued patches on two tires, which had blown out under the strain of Ms. Jolie's baggage.
Sharing the last crepe with the driver, the overloaded vehicle slowly found its way to the Kolcata Holiday Inn. During the British Raj the old hotel was the finest place to stay in the entire city, but had fallen on harder times since scrapping all its air conditioners, fans and telephones.
The hotel manager spotted Angelina Jolie out at the curb and ran out to greet the beautiful star: "Welcome your lips to my humble joint, Miss Jolie!"
After registering and paying cash in advance for a three month stay, Angelina carried all her baggage up to her third floor single room and quickly opened the large trunk so that Brad Pitt could finally get out. "I have to pee really bad," shrieked Brad. The rest room was at the end of the long dark corridor
Angelina struggled to open the room's single window. Then, breathing in the fresh Kolcata air, her thoughts turned to Mother Teresa, Academy Awards, opportunities to adopt many new children, and how she was going tell Brad that he should be dating other people.
TheSpoof.com reporter knocked on the door, asked for a quick interview, and was invited inside. But before he could sharpen his pencil, Brad Pitt came back in and beat the crap out of him. After a heated argument, Angelina was finally able to toss Brad out of the hotel. When the reporter gained consciousness, he found himself in bed with Angelina Jolie--and the best news assignment he had ever been on.