Written by Gertrude Dobbs
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Topics: elephant, Blue Peter

Sunday, 5 August 2001

image for Blue Blue Peter Blew Elephant
I was warped to begin with

A probe was launched at the BBC today amid claims that award winning children's television programme Blue Peter was making use of subliminal messages designed to warp young minds.

"It's true," said child psychologist Dr John Noakes. "I counted fourteen images flashed up on the screen during one half-hour show alone. They ranged from pictures of elephants having sex to banners proclaiming the virtue of drug taking and smoking Lambert and Butler high tar."

Biddy Baxter, curiously named producer of the world famous television show, was quick to counter such claims. "It's utter nonsense. We'd never advocate that young children smoke Lambert and Butler. Our advice is they start on Benson and Hedges as we're collecting the boxes to raise a new lung for George Harrison."

The allegations come fresh upon claims that Tinky Winky, the gay activist purple thing from the teletubbies, was caught in an uncompromising situation with the Bishop of Doncaster. On that occasion it took Fireman Sam four hours to remove the sink plunger. And a further three for the sink. Prior to that Thunderbird Two pilot, Virgil, was severely reprimanded for pausing to masturbate just as the stricken aircraft Fireflash was about to land on one wing.

But it was not all doom and gloom for children's TV. Watchdog OFWATCH reported that Grange Hill was the only school in England in which no pupil said 'fuck'.

OFWATCH president Felicity Kendall said, "British children's television is by far the best in the world. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have my regular Tuesday afternoon rimming session with Sooty."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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