Written by Jesus Budda
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Monday, 12 November 2007

image for "Smoking Crack with Jack": Nicholson gets once off Christmas TV Special
Christmas cheer with Jack Nicholson and friends

Hollywood legend Jack Nicholson is to get a once off Holiday special TV talk show where he interviews friends while under the influence of narcotics.

"Smoking Crack with Jack" is produced by HBO and is scheduled to air on Christmas day. The shows producer, Larry Bazterde, said the old time womaniser didn;t need much persuasion to come on board: "We just dangled some white powder in front of him. Literally dangled on a long stick with a string. Jack immediately said he'd do it".

The most controversial part of the show - apart from the on screen smoking of crack cocaine, heroin and imbibing of liquid LSD, of course - is the part where Jack invites long time pal Roman Polanski to his house to meet a surprise guest.

"Roman thinks its just gonna be himself, Jack, maybe Warren Beatty and some 'young' people. So Jack smuggles Roman back into the country and plies him with drink and drugs", chuckles Bazterde, "Boy does he get a shock when he realises that it's just a mock up of Jacks mansion we built on the studio lot in front of a couple of hundred cheering audience members - and they're all street addicts! What a hoot!""

The mood certainly changes when Jack wheels in none other than convicted celebrity murderer Charles Manson - the very man responsible for the murders of Roman's wife Sharon Tate and friends at his house back in the late 60's.

"Jack just cracks up when he see's Roman's reaction, but there's more", say's a now hysterical Bazterde, "Jack then tells Roman that he's called the cops and they're waiting outside to arrest Roman for his previous offenses. Well, Roman freaks out and escapes.He's still out there somewhere in the Hollywood Hills".

Nicholson, who famously smoked lots of marijuana during the shooting of the classic movie Easy Rider, then interviews old friend 'mad' Dennis Hopper.

"Dennis Hopper is a wild man", says Bazterde, "and in text book Hopper form, Dennis throws a fit. The man frickin' attacks the audience with a rubber duck, claiming he's the reincarnation of the child actor who played Alfalfa in The Little Rascals. The audience are so stoned from the fumes billowing throughout the studio, that they just watch on inanely and applaud."

The show ends with Jack and a Bing Crosby impersonator singing yuletide classic "White Christmas" while covered in a suspicious white substance.

"This one is for all the family at Christmas time", blabs Bazterde, " The true spirit of Christmas is celebrated for all Americans with a little bit of Hollywood magic".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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