LONDON - Fueled by wild speculation in the press, the actual cause of the death of Heather Mills, estranged wife of Sir Paul McCartney, became known today.
The official Coroner's report was released this morning at a hastily gathered press conference that included reporters from as far away as Chelmsford. While waiting for the Coroner to appear, reporters were treated to kegs of free beer, several cases of Scotch, and cupcakes--all provided by Paul McCartney who arrived early and was dressed in a brightly colored clown suit and jester's hat.
The Coroner's appearance was quite delayed, giving the reporters enough time to finish off all the fine refreshments. Several more musically inclined people joined Paul McCartney in a kazoo band rendition of "Happy Days Are Here Again" in homage to the singer-songwriter's recently deceased wife.
After several raised toasts to "Heatherrr Millshhh" the grieving McCartney shook hands with the Coroner, ate the last cupcake, and tripped over a chair.
The Coroner began by saying that, "although the death of Heather Mills, might appear to have been suspicious, it was, "all just a wonderful accident!" The grim details were then read to the reporters.
"Heather Mills died as a result of several dozen injuries sustained as the result of a fall. On the day of her death, Miss Mills was planning an outing - carrying her favorite shovel in her continuing quest for gold. It was found that a lubricant that was used on Miss Mills' artificial leg joint was applied too heavily and ran down the leg to her shoe. Later that fateful morning, as she was riding her motorcycle down a country lane, her oily foot slipped off the peg and got entangled with the motorcycle's front wheel. The motorcycle was suddenly flipped forward onto a farmer's cart, which contained a large Limousin bull. Miss Mills was unfortunately gored by both of the bull's horns. The bull then flipped her out of the cart into the opposite traffic lane where there was some road construction underway."
At this point, a large cheer broke out from the assembled reporters. Sir Paul managed a sad little grin.
"Please, please; let's show a little restraint," continued the Coroner. "What happened next was very sad. The operator of a heavy steamroller did not notice Heather Mills lying just in front of his machine. As she attempted to wave her leg, the 20-ton roller passed right over her. Luckily for her, the artificial leg wedged itself in the ground and kept Miss Mills from being totally crushed by the mammoth roller."
"Pity, pity!" cried McCartney.
The Coroner continued: "While awaiting an ambulance for the terribly injured Heather Mills, several construction workers used jack hammers to free the parts of Miss Mills that had been rolled into the pavement. The ambulance driver then used Heather's own shovel to gather up what was left of her into a basket which was to be transported to the hospital. Then, at the entrance to the emergency room, an attendant became confused with the basket; instead of delivering Miss Mills the to emergency room, the basket was mistaken for trash and was set out at the curb for garbage pickup."
"It is far too gruesome to go into the details of what happened to Heather Mills when the garbage men tossed her into the compactor truck and, trust me, you really don't want to hear about the way she jammed up the big shredding machine at the recycling plant. We were just happy to at least been able to salvage Heather's artificial leg and give it to her poor husband for proper burial."
A sobbing Paul McCartney then requested the return of Heather's shovel. "I could use it in my compost pit out in the garden."