New York, NY (AP) - Intense negotiations over the contract renewal of Fox News anchor Bill O'Reilly wrapped up today after O'Reilly was granted the request that had held up the negotiations; that his wardrobe be exclusively produced by Indian slave children.
"There's just something special about wearing a suit that you know literally required blood, sweat, and tears to make. The fact that it was children making it is just the icing on the cake as far as I'm concerned, but it's the misery factor that really attracts me," said O'Reilly in a post-negotiation interview as he visibly tried to hide an erection behind a copy of the New York Post.
O'Reilly's agent, Tony Sepulchre, expressed his delight that the controversial clause was adopted, pointing to the "increased motivation and sense of a job well done" that being forced to make his client's suits at gunpoint provided to the "terminally unemployed" youngsters of India, remarking, "These kids finally have something to live for, because if they don't make Bill's suits to his exacting specifications, they will be beaten mercilessly. This will have a profound affect on these young people, who will learn the virtues of doing a good job for little pay and under threat of violence. In other words, these kids will be living the American Dream."
O'Reilly will run a segment on an upcoming show entitled, "A Victory for the Little Guy," which will detail his "life-and-death struggle" to have the slave clause inserted into his contract. Other planned events on the show will be a question and answer session with the craziest person that can be found who disagrees with O'Reilly on the subject, which will predictably end in the guest's mic being cut off, but only after he/she has had a chance to completely undermine the position they are arguing through sheer nuttiness. O'Reilly will then smirk and chide the powerless guest, calling him a "loser," or perhaps a "degenerate" for daring to question Bill's right to have his tailoring done by adolescent intentured servants.
The final minutes of the show will be called, "Why I hate Ron Paul," and will involve at least thirty seconds of uncontrollable frothing at the mouth and scads of harsh invective. Fox expects a ratings bonanza from its core audience, which resides largely in Middle America and the Land of Make-Believe.