Written by King David
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Sunday, 28 October 2007

image for X-Rated pornography industry affected by California wildfires
X-rated film studios like this one in San Diego County were "too hot" to film in

As avocados and flowers continue to shrivel and wilt from the intense heat in San Diego County caused by wildfires, a spokesman for the American Society of Sex Workers and Models (ASSWAM) said today that not only are these fires affecting the state's agricultural production, but they are also having an effect on the state's multi-billion dollar porn industry.

"Wildfires have affected our actors and actresses," said industry spokesman, Peter North. "They don't want to go outside and do those shoots in the sun anymore."

A number of measures have been taken to help relieve the actors and actresses and make them more comfortable. They have included: applications of Noxzema skin cream, Atomic Balm and Icy Hot to the actors and actresses bodies before shooting, using Hollywood wind machines to cool them off while filming and doing more inside scenes.

But actors and actresses alike complain that while the cream does have a cooling effect on their bodies, it also has a tendency, when mixed with sweat and other body fluids, to run down into nether regions where active ingredients of camphor and eucalyptus oil, to quote one actor, "burns like hell."

"This always produces a 'cold shower effect,'" says film producer Jolly Hymen, "causing an almost instantaneous loss of sexual desire. We've ruined hours of footage that way, not to mention the hopes of several young actors as well. With a higher tolerance of pain, and, well, obviously different 'equipment' than the men, it's harder to tell about the women."

The wind machines, while effective at cooling the actors and actresses off, also affected the women adversely in drying them out. Huge amounts of KY Jelly have to be applied, cutting into film profits. As a result, all scenes of actors "going down" on females had to be cut.

A number of San Diego County hospitals have reported treating porn industry models for second degree burns on their buns and chemical burns inside.

"This situation really has us in a dilemma here," said California governor, Aaaaanald Schwarzenegger. "Our porn industry is a multi-billion dollar industry out here. We're already losing millions with our farm loses. To have the pornography industry shut down as well would spell catastrophic losses for our state."

The governor is looking to the possibility of sending crews to Mexico to film the outdoor shots and converting California's old school buildings to film studios to pick up for the slack in the extra indoor filming. No further word has been made.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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