[Neverland East, Virginia] Raymone K. Bain called a press conference today to announce that Michael Jackson is set to release a complete encyclopedia of his "Best of" hits and some of his "never were" hits in time for the Christmas season.
A loud groan was heard from the press corp which momentarily seemed to puzzle Ms. Bain. She then added, "No, no! This isn't like the other re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-releases of old tunes, this is entirely different!"
When questioned about how this release would be different, Ms. Bain became puzzled once again and fumbled through pages of notes and helped herself to a large slug of pink gin before answering.
"This release of tunes will have entirely new packaging which will include a spiffy cardboard 'MJJ' watch that fans can cut-out and wear," Ms. Bain explained.
"There will also be an application included to join the Super Secret Rubberhead Club, LLC, that Mr. Jackson started some years ago. For an application fee, non-refundable, of only $100, Mr. Jackson will personally consider all applications on a one-by-one basis. Lucky youngst... er... boy... er... PEOPLE who are selected to be in the club can look forward to some very exciting events which will be announced at a later date and super secret location, probably outside of the U.S. and its territories."
Outside, waiting fans began to cry when the news hit the street.
"We've already bought this shit about a hundred times! I can't keep stealing my mother's credit card for crap like this!" cried A. Golden, 55, who lives under a nearby overpass.
P. Russell, 66, an unemployed, smelly person, seemed to be simply gibbering in delight at the news but, when questioned closely, it was obvious that she hadn't understood a single word of the announcement. "Michael JOSEPH Jackson! Michael JOSEPH Jackson! I'M YOUR HUCKLEBERRY!", were her only comments.
No other fans could not be located for comment.