Cricklewood, London - (Rotters): Nobel prize winner Doris Lessing played a blinder this week accepting the prestigious literature gong for a lifetime of humbug and denial about some murky DNA secrets lurking in her personal closet.
"When you get to the age of 87 you can get away with almost anything behind a cute old granny exterior," Lessing told UK TV news, "including all your dreadful family secrets."
The cunning octogenarian can still be seen sometimes in North London parks puffing on a spliff and swearing profusely at anybody asking for a friendly toke.
She once claimed at a Royal Society dinner that her debut novel The Grass is Singing, (1950), was responsible for giving birth to the Reggae genre of Rastafarian music.
There may be a smidgen of something about this, actually.
The UK's National Poisons Unit still holds classified DNA test results linking her and Uganda's Idi Amin to the blood parentage of noted Jamaican musician Robert Nesta Marley, whom was abandoned at birth in a Kingston brothel.
Lessing has also long been suspected as being the great aunt of serial plagiarist and Harry Potter fraudster author JK Rowling whose own birth mother, BBC gargoyle Anne Robinson, was unmasked this summer.
Some of Lessing's lesser-known relatives have made seminal career successes at impersonating famous public figures by collaborating in their mysterious disappearance and then walking straight into their shoes.
The Met's Serious & Disorganised Fraud Squad has long suspected Lessing of having spawned the Ken Livingstone clone currently impersonating the Mayor of London.
This followed a three week crack-fuelled VE-Day lust orgy with Carry On star Sid James.
Their rabid conjunction has been immortalised in a well-known UK satirical publication under the comedy-duo name of Sid & Doris Bonkers.