Written by Ed E. Druckman
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Friday, 28 September 2007

image for Fan Site Alleges Jessica Simpson Affair With George Bush.
Her boobs are like this big, George. You lucky dog!

(Conoga Park--CA) Patriot Act and rendering aside, it proves democracy in the United States when a night manager of an AM-PM can ignite the fuse to a powder keg of potential political scandal that may reveal the lust between pop siren Jessica Simpson and the leader of the free world, George Bush.

Said fuse was lit 2AM last Friday morning. Jessica Simpson left a folder at an AM-PM in Conoga Park. AM-PM Night Manager Emett Joseph claims that Simpson seemed to be distracted because she needed either "Pepsi or Coke for some soda bread I'm baking." The fan web site Jess-E! quotes Joseph, "The actress seemed quite vexed when I told her we didn't have either, but would Dr. Pepper do? She then insulted me by calling me a Pakistani, bought a twelve pack of Trojans, with reservoir tip, and left." It was after this that Joseph noticed the folder.

The plain beige folder had written on it, "Shred love e-mails to President Bush." Jess-E! claims that Joseph "didn't shred it immediately because I couldn't leave the counter, as I was also being robbed at the time." And after the robbery, the folder was gone. Joseph was truly contrite, "being a fan of the entire Simpson clan, even the Svengali father who bears my name, that this information was now with a common highwayman." When asked why the robber would take such a pedestrian item, Joseph speculated, "With this O.J. Simpson memorabilia imbroglio, the market may be robust on all Simpson cognomens. I know for certain it was not I, regardless of any footage TMZ.com may have of me visiting the Jess-E! office."

Jess-E! has posted selections from the e-mails in which Simpson calls Bush "Dubya-Wubya", and Bush calls Simpson "my little neo-con-poop." The e-mails begin in January 2005 through February of 2006 and range from the silly to the steamy.

Reaction by the White House has been swift from both former and current members. According to former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, "Just because an e-mail address says George.Bush@whitehouse.gov doesn't mean it's the President. If all things were as they seemed, I'd still have a job, and we would be giving out WMD as party favors in Iraq." The usually even-tempered though poor shot Vice President Dick Cheney was equally vocal. "An e-mail that reads, 'Mr. President, I wish I was a postage stamp, because then you'd have to lick me' is open to interpretation. Maybe Ms. Simpson and the President share a love of philately."

The Simpsons, both Jessica and O.J., had no comment. And follow-up calls to Emett Joseph have not been returned since he has been declared an enemy combatant, which for reasons of national security cannot be disclosed.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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