Hollywood, California - In a desperate attempt to comply with her new court orders that she submit to a mandatory weekly drug testing, a condition of her temporary custody agreement, Britney made several purchases of human urine on eBay today. Evidently, Britney purchased the clean urine samples to ensure she passes her first drug test scheduled for later this week.
According to one eBay employee, Britney bid as high as $2,000 dollars for one sample, believed to the cleanest of all the other samples she purchased yet.
Reportedly, it came from a vacationing Tibetan Buddhist Monk who was tricked into surrendering a urine sample of his by TSA security at the Los Angeles International airport, while undergoing a body cavity search for Osama bin Laden.
"We had a hot tip that he was still hiding in small dark cave somewhere along the Afghanistan and Pakistani boarder," said a TSA official. "So in keeping with Bush's policy, we're looking for him by searching everyone right here. It just so happens this gentleman fits the profile of a fascist Islamic radical. All dressed up in that orange robe and shaved head of his. Besides, he kept talking crazy talk about love, peace and tolerance. You know, radical [Censored] like that."
It is rumored that in addition to a new bodyguard, hairdresser, manager and lawyer, Britnty is currently on the market for a new mother, career and fulltime human urine donor, too. She is expected to find replacements for those positions on eBay as well. All opening bids start at 99 cents, of course.