Written by Kilroy
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Topics: Big Brother

Wednesday, 19 September 2007

image for Another Dick Wins Big Brother 8
"If You're Not a Dick, You're a Loser"

A disillusioned Danielle Donato watched helplessly as her daddy won it all, proving once again that only a real dick can win Big Brother. Dick Donato is only the latest in a long line of dicks to win the series, apparently paving the way for even bigger dicks next season.

Producer Allison Grodner is reportedly toying with the idea of renaming the show to "The Biggest Dick" in honor of Donato's ruthless efficiency in verbally bullying the other house guests into submission. Even America's player Eric was in awe of Dick's dominance of the game. Eric also suggested that Dick thank America for his victory after the harsh realization that America apparently likes dicks. America didn't appear to care for Eric, however, giving him tasks equivalent to patting his head and rubbing his stomach at the same time.

The jurors had a difficult time deciding between "evil and spawn of evil" as Dustin put it. Zach had little to say before the vote as he came out in an Oriental robe, neatly laid out a towel and knelled to disembowel herself with a steak knife before being stopped by Jen. Incidentally, the same knife resurfaced after the vote as Jen attempted to bury it between Dick's shoulder blades, screaming, "Take that you Tommy Lee wannabe!" Only quick thinking by host Julie Chen prevented a bloodbath as she deftly tossed Amber in front of the blade while the other house guests wandered aimlessly around the stage like Zombies looking for brains.

Julie Chen later interviewed Dick and Danielle on the CBS Early Show and shed some light on the mechanism Dick used to win the game. Dressed in a tweed jacket and smoking a pipe, the clean shaven winner of Big Brother 8 looked nothing like the carny he portrayed for the past 75 days. Speaking with a bit of an English accent, Dick Donato explained his strategy was to totally immerse himself in his character. "As a graduate of the Juilliard School of Performing Arts, I knew it was essential I get inside their heads early. That's why I created this...this boorish character," he explained with a foppish wave of his hand. "So you were..." Julie struggled with the answer as Dick completed her sentence, "Acting!"

"Genius!" exclaimed Julie, almost pitching backwards out of her seat. "How about you, Danielle?" Julie shifted focus. Staring blankly at the camera, Danielle explained how she was "Ecstatic" at how things turned out, before tearing up and crying out loud, "Daddy said I was going to win! He promised!" Dick calmly puffed from his pipe before remarking, "She takes after her mother. A whiney little broom with boobs," he whispered.

Dick plans to give half his winnings to his church and to travel a bit before beginning work on a self-improvement book. The tentative title is "Winning by Intimidation," but he admits he's also considering "Your Inner Dick".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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