Everyone viewing and attending the recent MTV Video Music Awards were aghast at the lackluster performance turned in by America's sweetheart, Britney Spears. Spears looked less like a pop princess and more like a pooped princess, a zombie from the undead sporting a dazed, glazed, confused look in her eyes, Frankenstienesque dance style moves, indecisive footwork at best, a career killing anti-performance at worst.
People who didn't see the show are wondering, how did Britney look??? Well, have you ever seen 10 pounds of potatoes stuffed into a five pound bag, five gallons of gas poured into a overflowing one quart container, visualize Rosanne Barr in spandex.
Many in the audience attributed the pathetically inane performance to Las Vegas partying and too little rehearsal and preparation on Britney's part. The appearance was being touted as Spears' big comeback effort. All in attendance agreed, there was no big effort in this comeback.
This reporter has dug into the Spears' camp and has come up with the following inside information.
Spears had taken allergy medication that left her woozy. Britney's heel broke at the beginning of her performance leaving her incapacitated as far as dancing goes. Mercury was in retrograde, land sharks kicked in her front door, she farted, she had hammer toes and finally, at the beginning of the show it was blatantly obvious Sarah Silverman had borrowed Britney's vagina and pasted it on her face to do a comedy bit about Britney's children.
Britney stormed off the show after Silverman's harsh comments and ran to a nearby porta potty, locking herself in for the duration. One paparazzi got this picture of the outhouse Britney locked herself in, (see picture), if you look closely you can see a tuft of Britney's hair stuck in the door. Spears refused to vacate the potty, after much deliberation and confusion, the porta potty was forklifted onto a truck and transported to the grounds of Britney's Malibu estate. There the outhouse was deposited in the front lawn of the mansion.
One porta potty maintenance man said, "damn, that outhouse had to be pretty ripe, enough to gag a maggot, it was one of the public ones, a big stinker, Brits got a strong stomach."
As of now, as far as anyone knows, she is still devastated, locked in the
putrid, zesty smelling outhouse on the front lawn of her Malibu estate.
Insiders speculate, it's nearly impossible for a poop princess to turn in a great performance without her most bankable asset functioning and attached to her body.
Looks like Sarah totally took herself off Britney's Christmas card list.
From the desk of
Buck E Filbert