British actress Keira Nightly says she won't marry boyfriend Rupert Fiend because she's been married "too often" in movies and "has too many children".
The beautiful and talented 22-year old has been the star of many box office successes, such as Pirates of the Caribbean, King Arthur and some film based on a book by an elderly biddy called Jane Austen. Unlike Welsh actress Catherine Zeta Jones, she hasn't stolen anyone else's husband.
Psychiatrists with nothing better to do immediately suggested that Nightly suffers from the psychological state of dissociation, where the individual removes herself from her real life and acts out a fantasy one. Professor Heinz Baked Beanz said:
"Dissociation can be an effective defence mechanism that protects the individual psychologically from the impact of overwhelming traumatic events, such as Keira experienced when a large Saxon Army swept through her father's Celtic lands, or when she was abducted by that rascal Captain Barbossa and taken on board the Black Pearl. These were very distressing incidents."
A celebrity gossip columnist on Rupert Murdoch's evil Sky News suggested crudely that Keira's real reason for her bizarre love pact is that her boyfriend doesn't want to get married.
"Would you want to get married when you had Keira nightly?"
The actress dismissed these theories, saying:
"I just don't want to marry right now. My earlier statements were meant to be jokes."
Meanwhile, Fiend was unavailable for comment, as he was stalking Whitechapel in a long cloak and an eerie manner, carrying a doctors' bag.