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Topics: Bear Grylls

Monday, 3 September 2007

image for Survivorman Has Head Shrunken by Irate Natives

Quebec, Ontario (IP) - Survivorman Les Stroud was captured by irate natives of the Bongo Bongo tribe in the Amazon Jungle yesterday and had his head shrunken down to the size of an orange. They did not kill him, they just shrunk down his head.

Les came out of the situation no worse for the wear. He has to find a much smaller harmonica and may have to have one specially manufactured by the Horner Manufacturing Company. It will probably be a soprano harmonica. Finding a small pair of binoculars is also on his agenda for this week.

Les has a great sense of humor and said that the smaller head was no big deal and now he can save money on hats, sunglasses, and other items. He also said that his head will now make a smaller target for the pesky insects he encounters while on his survival adventures all over the globe. He breaks his aspirin in half as a much smaller dosage will now suffice.

Les was asked if he knew what has happened to Man Vs Wild star Bear Grylls whose show has disappeared and Les responded that unfortunately Bear had been eaten by natives in another continent who had mistaken him for a comedian. They wanted to eat something that tastes funny.

Les says he, himself lives next to a young cannibal family and he has had trouble sleeping since they moved in. It makes him very nervous when they ask him if wants to come over for dinner. Once he asked them if lettuce should be eaten with the fingers and they replied that, "no, they should be eaten separately".

Sometimes he catches the cannibals staring at him and he wonders why they have installed a giant cooking pot in their back yard with recurving edges at the top. The big black iron cooking kettle is held by 3 chains placed at intervals 120 degrees apart around the rim of the great cauldron and is suspended from a large outdoor beam. The contraption is heated from below by a propane burner. Cannibals have come a long way since the old days. This family travelled over 4,000 miles when they moved from eastern Africa to live next to survivorman.

While at home Bear has taken to wearing a ghillie suit which allows him to be disguised as a shrub. The suit allows Bear to feel more comfortable when he ventures out into his back yard. The suit is just another example of one more survival technique which allows Bear to survive an otherwise precarious situation where other persons less adept at these primitive skills might simply become an item on someone's recipe list.

Another security device he utilizes is a bunch of Busch beer cans strung along his property line via almost invisible 10 pound monofilament fishing line. Each can has a pebble placed inside. The device is very effective at waking Les up in the event of any impending threat from the outside.

A beautiful older model olive green Toyota Land cruiser with a white top and with large accessory racks on the roof and fancy black grill guards sits in the cannibal family's driveway. From over the fence could be heard, "could you pass the Grey Poupon sil vous plais, ah -merci beaucoup mon bwana".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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