Written by Ken Adrian
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Thursday, 11 March 2004

NEWARK, N.J. - Vancouver Canucks hockey player (and "goon") Todd Bertuzzi, having been suspended from the National Hockey League has been given a new op-po-toonity. He's going to play a hit man on the popular HBO series The Sopranos.

"Uh, deh wanted me to - duh - come and help dem out" says Bertuzzi, "So I'z says to d'em Ok-ay!"

Bertuzzi, who broke Corolado player Steve Moore's neck by punching him relentlessly on the ice, is perfectly suited for the role, says Casting Director Stevio Tipster. "We needed somebody who could really do some damage, you know?" so naturally we went to the National Hockey League.

The NHL had originally issued the following statement: "Fighting is just part of the game, eh? Sometimes a guy's gotta do a what a guys gotta do."

Later, when they found out that Steve Moore was actually really, really hurt (really badly), they suspended Bertuzzi.

The Cast of the Sopranos won't reveal what role Bertuzzi will play exactly. "That's family business - you talk to the Capo if you want any inside action, al-right?", said one cast member who insisted (very strongly we might add) on remaining anonymous.

Mr. Bertuzzi, for the time being, is just considered an associate of the Sopranos.

When asked about how he feels about joining the TV mafia, Bertuzzi responded, "Mafia? What mafia? There's no mafia. You mean the NHL? They don't really exist... come on! Everybody knows that the NHL is a fic-titious organization."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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