Written by David Cumti
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Topics: Vermont, Howard Dean

Wednesday, 10 March 2004

After dropping out of the race for president last month, former Vermont governor Howard Dean is once again in the news-this time campaigning for his new film, Hellboy.

Dean is touting the film, which opens April 2, as one of his major efforts to continue his battle with what he considers "a war mongering, power hungry Bush administration bent on world domination."

"I did not drop my presidential bid because I didn't think I could win," he said. "I dropped out to become Hellboy, a defender of the everyday American, and fighter for justice."

Hellboy director Guillermo del Toro chose Dean to play the lead role after watching the failed candidate give his concession speech in the Iowa caucus.

"After hearing Howard scream like that in front of hundreds of people, I knew he was the man for the job," del Toro said. "He's got an unpredictably intense stage presence. The audience just never knows what that man will do next."

The Associated Press reported that Dean is confused by the role, and that he sincerely believes he has transformed into Hellboy, a fictional character adapted from a comic book. Del Toro believes that Dean's illusions stem from his medication, which was prescribed to help control his Tourrette's syndrome. But the director is happy with Dean's delusion, saying that it provides for the character's "vehement outbursts."

Several Hollywood producers have knocked on Dean's door since his decision to drop out of the presidential race. Sources close to Dean said he is currently in negotiations to play the tremendously oversized ape in a remake of the classic 1933 film, King Kong.

On the other side of the nation, Dean is scheduled to testify in front of a congressional committee on steroids next Tuesday. Congress found his weight gain, an alarming 120 pounds of muscle mass within two weeks, to be highly suspicious. He was subpoenaed after phone logs indicated his frequent phone conversations with baseball players Barry Bonds and Jason Giambi.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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