Written by Deanna Goodson
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Topics: Cartoon, Universe

Wednesday, 10 March 2004

image for Where Have All the Cartoon Hotties Gone?
Judy Jetson: We'll Remember You As the Hottie You Were

Remember when Judy Jetson was hot? My brother used to salivate over her. He could have been teething, though. We were young. I, personally, had a thing for He-man. He was master of my universe for about a week in 1983.

Of course, there was a whole list of cartoon 'hotties' in the 70s and 80s, but where have they gone? Some have drifted off into reruns, of course, but what has happened to them really.

Well, here's a list of some cartoon sex symbols with their current status.

  1. Judy Jetson. Yes, Judy has had a rough time with it. She took off with a rock n' roller, became his second wife and opening act. They divorced, then got remarried a la Tommy and Pam, then divorced again. She then went to live on the south side of Jupiter in a trailer with her boyfriend, Jeb Cogsley, yes Cogsley, the son of her father's archenemy. She got into drugs and died of an overdose a few years ago.
  2. Pebbles Flintstone. Pebbles made lots of little boys say 'Bam-Bam', didn't she? She grew up into a real beauty, even hotter than the Ann Mar-grock character in one of the Flintstone's finest episodes. She and Bam-Bam got married, but he left her after four years of marriage and two kids for a stripper named Boom-Boom. Pebbles moved on and became a hairdresser.
  3. Betty Rubble. Betty got old and fat and stayed married to Barney. Her life was as boring as the Flintstones made it out to be. Poor Betty, a cute little one-dimensional character in a three-dimensional world.
  4. She-Hulk. She went on the Atkins diet and lost a lot of her bulk. Currently, She-Hulk is a motivational speaker and fitness guru. She never married, but lives quietly with her partner, "Betsy Wetsy" in the suburbs. She once dated Rosie O'Donnell, but prefers not to talk about it.
  5. GI Joe. The "Real" American hero. He got honorably discharged from the service. Rumor has it that he performed some 'unlisted' services in a fox hole with one of his men. Currently, he is shacking up with Barbie's former other half, Ken. He also does some gun-running for a cartel in Columbia, but that's hush-hush.
  6. He-Man. He of the muscles and blonde hair. Where, oh where, has He-man gone? He tried to get into the movies but Brad Pitt took all of the parts He-man auditioned for. Now, he is a broken shell of a man who watches Nascar and Pro-wrestling.
  7. Wilma Flintstone. Wilma finally woke up and left Fred. She went to Hollywood and married Stoney Curtis. They live in a mansion by the sea in Malibu-rock. Recently, she started her own company. Her plan is to be like Martha Stewart without prison and the b*tchiness.
  8. Wonderwoman. Wonderwoman went into the lingerie business. She started off with Underroos, using her contacts with the cartoon world to get licensing and so forth. She is rumored to be the inventor of the Wonder-bra. She has an invisible mansion as well as a jet. She still sees her old flame Superman from time to time.
  9. Aquaman. Aquaman returned to the sea. he married the Little Mermaid, after her nasty split from Prince Eric, but that's all "water under the bridge" now.
  10. Veronica, from the Archie's Comics. Veronica started an 'escort' service. She spent some time in jail for refusing to name her johns. She's out and trying to break into acting now. Wait! That could just be Heidi Fleiss. Oh well.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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