Written by Jalapenoman
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Monday, 20 August 2007

image for Winner Announced for America's Got Talent
Did you call in your votes for this year's winner?

The voting is over, all the ballots have been counted, and a winner has been selected for the 2007 season of America's got talent. Show judge, actor, and singer David Hasselhoff revealed the results at a publicity party in Los Angeles before the actual airing of the final episode.

"Yeah, there's finally a winner. We had to put up with tall, Russian gays with no talent and squeaky voiced kids with their stage mothers and magicians and ventriloquists and singers and dancers and a lot of crap, but we finally have a winner."

Hasselhoff was asked to comment on each of the four finalists before announcing the results:

"Well, we had this fat guy with a stupid goatee who sang a reaggae/calypso/folk sound. He, of course, didn't win because he wasn't hot or sexy enough and looked like he should be at Pizza Hut scarfing down on Buffet Tuesdays or something."

"We also had this cute, sweet, little 14 year old blond girl that could probably win on American Idol in a few years if she roughed herself up a bit. Because she was just too innocent and not skanky enough in her dancing, she didn't win either."

"Then we had this guy with puppets. It was an amazing talent because he could imitate people without moving his lips. He wasn't going to win, however, because America never votes for the white, anglo, middle class man with huge talent who should win a competition when there is a minority girl who wears low cut tops available."

"Our fourth choice is this girl Butterfly, or something like that. She comes out every week just slightly under dressed and ruins beautiful songs by spitting into the microphone. Because she was the only minority in the top four, she was probably bound to win."

"In an upset, however, we decided that the real winner of this competition was the phone company. We had to pay them millions of dollars for all of those toll free calls we received on all of those phone lines we used and their stockholders got richer once again."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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