In an effort to outdo its competition in the fashion-centric, highly visual world of entertainment news, "Us Weekly" magazine will now contain only large, cardboard, pop-up pictures of celebrities, and will contain no text whatsoever. The magazine's format will be strikingly similar to many pop-up children's books, such as "The Wide-Mouthed Frog" and "The Jungle Book: A Pop-Up Adventure."
"Our readers don't actually want to read anything," said Us Weekly's Editor in Chief, Randy Styles. "We've been talking about going word-free for several years now, and it just seemed like the right time. This magazine is about beauty - beautiful people, beautiful dresses, beautiful hair, beautiful jewelry, et cetera. All those prepositions and punctuation marks were really ugly. Looking at ugly things makes people want to vomit, and we don't want to make our readers vomit. Unless they just had a large meal and need to purge."
"The pop-out format is perfect for us," continued Styles, "and I think it really makes us stand out - no pun intended. Unless you think puns are back in style now, in which case it was intended. Unfortunately, we'll only be able to fit 8 or 9 pages in the magazine because the cardboard is so thick, but that may actually be a positive for us considering the toddler-like attention span of our readers."
Us Weekly contracted Dr. Charles Brown, a neurologist at Massachusetts General, to develop a format that would most appeal to its readers. Dr. Brown is confident that pop-ups were the correct choice. "Pop-up pictures tend to engage the right side of the brain, where visual and spatial processing occurs," explained the neurologist. "Text articles, on the other hand, engage the left side of the brain, where logical thinking occurs. Too much stimulation to the left side can cause the reader to think about what they are doing. Obviously, the magazine would like to avoid that."
Dr. Brown issued an off the record warning to consumers of Entertainment news, which due to an editing error, has remained on the record. "By constantly utilizing only the right side of their brain, readers of entertainment news magazines tend to lose functionality in the left side. In other words, by constantly looking at pictures of celebrities, these people are literally getting dumber."