Martha Stewart, The PTA, Ladies Home Journal, Better Homes and Gardens and The Readers Digest were up in arms today when it was announced Britney Spears would be opening a finishing school for proper young ladies.
Associates of Ms, Spears pointed out , what do you really have to know to teach impressionable young ladies about the do's and don'ts of proper lady like behavior? We're hiring English finishing marms to polish the rough edges right off these girls.
Some of the more important classes will include:
- Holding baby like a sack o' potatoes while fending off paparazzi
- Getting gum off your bare feet with a handy wipe
- Exposing ones self, apparently unaware
- Vomiting so your best side gets photographed
- Loosing your heels so it's easier to walk drunk
- Falling off a motorcycle and making it look good
- The correct way to pull out bikini wedgies gracefully
- Driving without a license legally
- Estimating a man's bottom line through osmosis
Britney said, "This is just the tip of the iceberg as to the subjects we'll be covering, we'll be accepting and screening applications next month, only the best of the best need apply."
From the desk of
Buck E Filbert