Written by queen mudder
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Topics: Amy Winehouse

Thursday, 9 August 2007

image for Amy Whorehouse bombs after dodgy coke wrap ordeal
Whorehouse in an earlier incarnation

London - (Ass Mess): Amy Whorehouse pulled out of an MTV video music awards gig today after snorting the contents of a dodgy coke wrap scored from Camden Lock's notorious Whorely Arms pub.

The turbulent diva (sic) of British pop was rushed to University College Hospital in central London where her nasal passages had to be sandblasted after collapsing from a suspected drugs overdose.

Whorehouse, 23, also had her stomach pumped out and various recreational sex rubber toys removed from orifices in her body.

Her signature hairpiece was then de-infestated and a number of live items, believed to be invertebrates, were forcibly repatriated back to the arthropod exhibit section at London Zoo before the singer was prounced ok and discharged.

Her husband Blake Fielder-Civil-War was at her bedside throughout the ordeal which he has blamed on "cheap foreign imports masquarading as bona fide cocaine".

He also confirmed that he regularly searches her beehive hairdo when bottles of vodka go missing at the couple's Camden Town flat:

"When the off-licence is shut at 3am there's always a good chance of finding something interesting in there," Fielder-Civil-War quipped today.

"I've found magnums of Tattinger in there before as well as a jeroboam of Mumm Cordon Rouge.

"Last summer there was even a skunk weed growing inside when the time came for Amy to re-new her hair extensions."

The singer's performance this weekend at the Oya music festival in Oslo, Norway has been cancelled although rival rumors about Whorehouse's health suggested she was suffering from morning sickness.

"The idea of anything gestating inside that womb is pretty gut-wrenching," a Camden Lock resident said today.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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