Written by David Baker
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Topics: Hell, Gardening

Tuesday, 2 March 2004

image for Alice Cooper: My Flower Hell
Pansy

Rock god and post ironic Icon, Alice Cooper shocked the world of rock yesterday with his admission to a live long struggle with gardening.

"It started out as just a laugh, we would plant a few peonies on the back of the tour bus and it felt great. I was creating stuff and I felt like a God. The rush of adrenaline as you watch your first flowers bloom is like nothing on earth, but I moved on to harder stuff. Roses, cacti and even vegetables. After a couple of years I was stealing to pay for the seeds and had three allotments on the go. I even got into orchid breeding. Man they were wild days, but they had a hold on me and the more I gave the more they took. I had a severe problem and I knew it. I couldn't imagine life without flowers, but I couldn't stand live with them."

"I remember one day on the allotment I had just created a new melon/pumpkin hybrid and it should have been a huge rush, but I felt nothing only emptiness. The gardening wasn't working anymore I knew that I either had to seek professional help or kill myself and I just couldn't decide which. Luckily Gorf, my drummer, could see what was happening and he drove me to the nearest rehab. I've been clean now for 2 years and I've never felt better. The calluses on my hands and the dirt under my fingernails are the only visible signs of my addiction, but the mental scars are permanent. Only last week someone sent me a bouquet of poppies after a concert and I caught myself planning to harvest the seeds. It's a daily struggle, but one that I must win."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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