Written by Dan H.
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Topics: New York, Mel Gibson

Tuesday, 2 March 2004

image for Church's Monopoly on Christ expires, Theaters cash in on Christ
Looks like fame went straight to someone's head

New York, New York- Simultaneously numerous movie theater complexes across the United States and the world played host to the Mel Gibson produced flick, the Passion of Christ. Tickets were sold out months in advance for the opening night Wednesday and people flocked to theaters in to wait for Christ's cinema d├ębut in a major role. Anticipation was astronomical and critics are already likening it to such blockbuster smash hits as Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, and Dumbo. This movie also is trying to reach a larger demographic that just the Christ believing enthusiasts, groups, and zealots alike by introducing package ticket deals that incorporate admittance to Eurotrip and You Got Served.

Just by looking at theaters, you would think you were at some kind of bible re-enactment. Handfuls of fervent fans dressed up like their favorite characters that partook in the events the movie depicts. "I have been a Jesus fan for eleven years now," recalls a Jesus look-alike who goes by the name of Harold too. "Ever since I saw Jesus on South Park I knew I would devote my life to such a groovy guy. Jesus rocks. Can I get an amen?" Along with a copious supply of Jesus, who came in an array of styles, some with a staff and others nailed to crosses, there was a contingent of proclaimed Judas impersonators. A debacle between the Jesus and the Judas aficionados spread like locus. Law enforcement was called in to restore and maintain the peace between the two.

The producer of the Passion, Mel Gibson, is no stranger to success. Staring in such major movies as Braveheart, the Lethal Weapon series, and the Patriot, Gibson is a staple on the Hollywood A List. Gibson is also a proclaimed devout Roman Catholic, going as far as condemning his wife to hell for her non-Roman Catholic ideals. "If I was Mel Gibson," Franklin Walters, an employee at a local movie rental store, states, "I would not be using my God to bring in chump change. That's for sure. Capitalism is cool and everything, but man this is so wrong in so many ways."

When informed of what Franklin Walter thought Mel Gibson was doing, God, the Almighty, Powerful and Gracious One, voiced his disappointment in another of his one 6 billion (1999 statistic) human creations. "I can create the world in seven days and yet another merciless soul directly defies me or my laws given to Moses. No one disrespects me. Gibson, your gay ass is from this point eternally doomed to where no creature created in my likeness should go, Canada." When informed by Gibson's attorneys that he would net 25% of the gross profit, God later retracted his damnation.

Selling like the Tickle Me Elmo did the official Passion of Christ merchandise has been consumed whole by mass audiences globally. Best selling items include Jesus Christ action figures, various Jesus and Disciples clothing, and movie related video games.

Not even a week has surpassed and producer Mel Gibson has already collaborated with the director and various actors about making a sequel. Extracted from their corroborations is that movie goers should mark on their calendars for the premier of the Passion of Christ: the Second Coming possibly due out next Lent.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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