Written by Ben Macnair
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Sunday, 5 August 2007

image for Andrex Puppy forced to smoke and undergo Lipo-Suction

Surprising news emerged from the Andrex factory today, that their cute puppy is actually a 14 year old Labrador, who still looks like he did as a 6 month old, due to being forced to smoke 40 cigarettes a day, and to undergo Lipo-suction to maintain his svelte figure.

In a similar breaking story, the beloved figure of Basil Brush has said that he has faced the demons of losing his youth and his looks lately.

George and Zippie from Rainbow have both fought long battles with the drink and the drugs. Speaking from his Malibu apartment, George said: "It is never easy for animals in the public eye. We have the same needs and desires as our human counterparts, but we are not believed.

"In the mid eighties I was regularly turning down advances. Madeline the rag doll from Bagpuss was always throwing herself at me. It got to a point where I had had enough and just had to get out"

This paper tried to speak to Madeline from Bagpuss, but we were unable to. We were able to discuss these issues with Professor Yaffle from the show, however. Speaking from the top of a tree in Swindon, the famously taciturn bookend said: "Yes, I remember those days well. Of course, Bagpuss was the star, and he just got lazy and complacent, and wasted his talent. The Mice all died, as they are not long lived, I still see Madeline around.

"Yes, back in the day she was a right one. I remember many a time when she would come in crying about another rejection from George. Of course, it is easy in hindsight to see that a squeaky voiced pink hippo is not going to be the most masculine of people and lovers. It is all so sad.

"We did some good work on that show, but I cannot get work any more these days. I wanted to play an all wooden version of Hamlet with Noggin the Nog, but the suits never got it"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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