London, England - The Harry Potter Crisis Hotline is setup to take calls from fans, many whom are emotionally ill-equip to handle the conclusion of the series, let alone the rumored loss major charters in J.K. Rowling's final installation, "The Deathly Hallows."
Dr. Kevorkian, convicted of assisting in a suicide, is expected to volunteer his services as a counselor to satisfy the community service terms of his parole agreement. Many parents are concerned, however, while critics contend that hotline is under funded and poorly staffed, needing all the help it can get.
"Wow! We have never had a doctor volunteer their services to us before," said Virginia Tuttle, the facility director and phone consular at the Harry Potter hotline. "I wonder what he looks like. Does anybody know if he's married?"
"I heard he's a widower," said Marie Carter, the facilities official coffee and cookie maker. "So, you know what that means girls."
According to Ms. Tuttle, Kevorkian has already begun lending the hotline his expertise and professional training by sending over instructions by fax to the girls to follow to the letter.
"Oh, he is so assertive," said Joan Thompson, the facilities official hugger. "I like that in a man."
In the facsimile, sent by Kevorkian, he instructs that all the most vulnerable callers are to be transferred to him immediately to his own private line for an intensive consultation. While other calls are to be placed on hold or even hung-up on altogether to keep the phone lines clear for the serious callers who are most likely a danger to themselves or others.
"He calls it, 'tough love.' Oh, how I do like the sound of that," said Tuttle.
"I know you think he must be an awful man," said Ms. Thompson. "But we think his absolutely charming and such a thoughtful man too. Along with all the flowers, candies and, oh yes, that strange looking machine in the back, he just sent over, he gave us these legal documents for our protection."
"I believe he called them 'advanced medical directives' and instructed all of us to sign them immediately and without hesitation or duress and of our own freewill," continued Ms. Tuttle. "Isn't that nice, although none of us haven't the faintest idea what any of that means, we all signed them just the same. But with a man like that around, you don't really need to. Do you."
"He really is such a thoughtful man," said Ms. Carter. "I can hardly wait until he gets here. He says he has something every special planned for us all. Something to do with that machine in the back, I think. At least by what I can tell, with him calling up every hour or so, reminding us not to touch it until he gets here. Oh, I am so excited. Would you like some Kool-Aid while we wait for him? Oh, I forgot to tell you, he sent that over too. I told you he was a thoughtful man."