Written by queen mudder
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Topics: Drugs, Celebrities

Saturday, 21 July 2007

image for Celeb crackfiends' guide to the Whorely Arms
Outwardly it looks like a pretty respectable sort of joint

London - (Rotters): The Serious and Disorganised Crime Agency has published details of London celebs' favorite crack den the Whorely Arms in Camden, gleaned from online blogspots, diairies and MyFaecesBook entries.

Top of the list of the facility's users is Kate Moss who recently scored over twenty grams of coke there when out manhunting with stripper Dita Von Tease.

Oasis's Liam Gallagher was a regular until recently when a spot of fisticuffs with local weed dealer Dave 'Crumpy' Manilla put him on a two week ban after the Whorely's landlord said he'd brought the watering hole into disrepute.

Amy Winehouse is a daily feature of the Camden Lock establishment mostly because she only has to open her bedroom window and slide down the drainpipe to get into the pub for her prescription Rickstasy drought which consists of a pint of Southern Comfort, Baliey's Irish Creme liqueur and dash on angostura bitters. "It washes down that nasty medicinal taste at the back of the throat that Camden-mixed coke is notorious for," Amy once said.

David Schwimmer is another regular who likes to fill up the tank with the Whorely's special recipie Camden Slammers which reputedly separate the men from the boys and the liver from the rest of the internal organs after the de rigeur three-on-the-trot at Sunday brunchtime.

Pete Doherty never stops telling mates how much he likes the Whorely "because they treat me like a gent and always mop up the lav after me". Not that Pete uses the pub's facilities for much other than scoring smack, pissing and vomiting because the mechanism of peristalisis has long since stopped functioning in the Babyshambles singer: "cuts down on the toilet paper bills I suppose."

Actress Kirsten Dunst is an aficionado of the Whorely after hearing it is North London's coke scoring venue of choice, rivalling Chelsea's Admiral Codrington for sheer volume of available dealers, range of pharmaceuticals available plus the existence of that must-have Saturday night essential - it's very own hole in the wall cash machine. Dunst's most recent 12 hour bender took place at the Whorely after the Spider Man 3 premiere.

Kelly Osbourne is such a valued regular patron at the Whorely that the management has even provided her with her very own remote-control vodka optic measure for pouring drinks behind the bar without the bother of leaving her powder-strewn table in the upstairs lounge. Her Xmas 2006 drinking triathalon with stalwarts Kate Moss, Amy Winehouse, Sadie Frost and local weed dealing legend Dave 'Crumpy' Manilla (before his Liam Gallagher-inspired two week ban) is still the talk of the brewery.

Comedian Rusell Brand claims he once got his head stuck inside a Borzoi hound's mouth at the Whorely after its owner, a Russian beauty therapist from nearby Belsize Park, accidentally put his three gram coke wrap inside a hamburger and fed it to her pooch. Brand fought desperately with the mutt in an unarmed combat stretching to four rounds of Magners' Irish Cider and nearly conceded defeat before the beast attempted to swallow his head rather than give up its prize. "The beard conceals the scars that persist to this very day," Brand has said.

The Whorely Arms recently told customers it will be closing for the month of August while engineers search the drains for items of missing jewellery belonging to patrons too pissed to know what drops down the pan when they make use of the bar's sanitary facilities.

"Last time we did this we found a body," the ex-landlord said last week. "We think it was a pal of Boy George because of the tattoos. Anybody wanting to claim it can still apply behind the bar. Usual considerations apply."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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