Written by queen mudder
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Topics: Pete Doherty

Tuesday, 17 July 2007

image for Pete Doherty's smack patch "rejected by his body"
Doherty has told magistrates he is a changed man

Westway Trailer Park, West London - (Rotters): A barrister acting for Babyshambles singer Pete Doherty has told a London magistrates court that the musician's subcutaneous anti-heroin abuse implant shows signs of rejection by his body and must be removed "before it sends him insane".

Doherty has claimed that because of the implant women no loner find him attractive, he can't get a date, he can't get an erection and no amount of Viagra - mainlined directly to the scrotum - has managed to compensate for the flaccid state of affairs.

Doherty agreed to the implant last month after ex-girlfriend Kate Moss paid for its insertion under Court Order in a move designed to keep him out of jail or compulsory rehab.

Shortly afterwards Moss then threw the singer out of her Primrose Hill mansion, changed the locks, burned his personal effects, dumped his belongings into a skip and posted armed guards on her home before jetting off to New York.

Doherty's appearance in court today is part of an appeal to convince magistrates that he is now a cured man and has no need of the 'crude and insulting medical device' that blocks the effects of opiates on his body.

A decision is expected later in the week.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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