Written by Miriam Parker
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Wednesday, 18 February 2004

image for What Kind Of Terrorist Are You?: A Quiz

Suffering from an identity crisis? Not sure where you fit in in today's changing political climate? Take this quiz and you'll know: What kind of terrorist are you?

1. If you're at a party, talking to a man in a ski mask, do you:
A. Hypnotize him by batting your dark eyelashes.
B. Size up whether he would fit in with the rest of your militia.
C. Visualize explosives around his waist.

2. Describe your ideal date:
A. Relaxing in a cave in Tora Bora, Afghanistan
B. Reenacting the goriest scenes of "Halloween V"-for real.
C. Renting an unmarked van, complete with a stockpile of sawed off shotguns.

3. What do you think when you look in the mirror?
A. No more Big Macs on Washington Monument stakeouts.
B. Would the "Remember Ruby Ridge" tattoo look better on my shoulder or ankle?
C. Bhurkas are fashionable AND a great spot for hiding grenades.

4. Which color goes best with your complexion?
A. American Flag Blue
B. Blood Red
C. Jailbird orange

5. On a rare night in, what do you do to relax?
A. Connect the dots of sleeper cells on my world map.
B. Search the internet for bomb recipes.
C. Oxycontin

6. Your best friend just got dumped, how do you cheer him up?
A. Help him shoot cans off of tree stumps.
B. Get him a dozen eggs, a baseball bat and two lines of speed.
C. Take him on a wild night out in the big city-preferably Hebron

7. If you were a furry woodland creature, what would you be?
A. A jackal
B. A weasel
C. Yasir Arafat

8. Where do you see yourself in ten years?
A. In paradise with the other 71 virgins.
B. President of Kappa Alpha Theta at Texas A&M
C. "Working" for Halliburton in Baghdad

9. You prefer to work
A. Alone
B. On explosives
C. Near a kibbutz

10. Which movie best describes your life?
A. When Harry Met Sally
B. Yentl
C. Intolerable Cruelty

Tally up your score!
1. A-1 B-2 C-3
2. A-3 B-1 C-2
3. A-2 B-1 C-3
4. A-2 B-1 C-3
5. A-3 B-2 C-1
6. A-2 B-1 C-3
7. A-2 B-1 C-3
8. A-3 B-2 C-1
9. A-3 B-2 C-1
10. A-1 B-2 C-3

Score: 15-20 International Terrorist
Osama Bin Laden watch out. You know the difference between a homemade bomb and one smuggled from a Russian stockpile. Just be careful that you don't go overboard and hurt some of your own comrades, remember, Americans are your enemies, former members of Saddam's Republican Guard are your ticket to stardom.

Score: 9-14 Domestic Terrorist
Militias, gun stockpiles, cult formation, at all of these: you're the queen! Best of all, you know how to balance your regular life with your terrorist life. You're not afraid of commitment or of destruction. Just make sure you remember to shave your legs while you pursue your ultimate mission.

Score 0-8 Trench Coat Mafia
Although it is understandable that cruel taunts, bland cafeteria food and disappointing looks from parents cause you to throw temper tantrums, torture unassuming animals and get you on almost every substitute teacher's black list. Be sure to balance your mischief with a cute smile occasionally, or else you might find yourself shipped off to finishing school.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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