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Monday, 9 July 2007

image for Art Bell Admits to Being US Govt Agent
Bell: 'the public were too caught-up with little gray men to notice what was really going on under their noses'

Pahrump, Nevada: Following the announcement of his retirement last week, popular radio host Art Bell admitted to a stunned media that for the past twenty years he has been overseeing a trickle-release of sensitive mis-information as part of a US Government non-disclosure program.

It transpired that Bell, real name Irvin B.Schnickelpenny, was recruited into the CIA in the late 1980s and that his top-rated radio program Coast To Coast AM, was the brainchild of his controller 'JC'.

'JC called me into his office one afternoon and made me an offer that I couldn't refuse', said Bell. 'Son, we want you to be the figurehead of a program intended to divert the minds of Americans away from the business of the day by indulging their fantasies in the weird and wonderful, thereby enabling us to get on with the business of running the country'.

Over the intervening years, Bell has held discussions on such diverse subjects as UFOs, Atlantis, Mind Control and Time Travel, stirring the American public's imagination into believing the world was a wacky and wonderful place, yet at the same time steering their attention away from genuine Black Projects.

'The public were too darned caught-up with little gray men, Big Foot and acid rain to notice what was really going on under their noses. Projects such as the plan to integrate America with Communist China, wiping France off the face of the earth and research into why potato chips go soggy if left in an open bag for more than a day' he said.

He went on to name some of his co-conspirators; program co-host (and son) George Noory, Steven Greer and long-standing audience-favorite, the wacky Richard C.Hoagland.

'Steven was great' said Bell. 'Why do you think he never managed to get anywhere with that stupid disclosure project of his? There was nothing to be found, that's why!'

It was also revealed that Bell's controller, JC, had made several calls to the show himself, calling in as a ranting religious xenophobe campaigning for the abolition of pornography and accusing Americans of heading towards a 'boiling pit of sewage'. The boiling pit of sewage was actually my idea' said Bell with a chuckle.

'We've had some fun over the years' he admitted, 'but I decided that it was time to set the record straight. I just want to settle down and spend a little time with my new wife Lucy Liu and our daughter, Taco'.

For the first time in the program's history, Richard C.Hoagland was unavailable for comment.

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