Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows preview parties are planned to begin at midnight in thousands of bookstores around the world. During these parties, copies of the new book will be sold to those in attendance and everyone will quickly sit and read the last chapter to discover the ending. Costume parties and contests will be held, along with trivia challenges and look alike contests.
If you are looking for the location of the party nearest you, you are probably a nerd. Do you wear glasses? Do you have all of the six previous books in hardcover? Do you dress up as a Potter character every year for Halloween? At other times? Can you quote the rules for Quiddich? Do you know the varieties for Bertie Bott's Every Flavor jelly beans?
If you answered yes to more than half of those questions, and are over the age of thirteen, you are a nerd. You do not need to go to one of those parties. If you are of the age of consent, what you need is to get laid (and not by a girl dressed as Hermione).
While the other nerds are revelling in their geekness, go to the nearest pharmacy and buy a package of condoms. Then, knock on the door of that girl's house who used to smile at you in English. Go up to the secretary who once told you that you guys need to get together some time. If all else fails, then go to a seedy part of town and pick up a woman on a street corner. This experience will change your life!
No more will you wear a pocket protector. No more will you watch anime porn for hours, wishing that a cartoon girl was real because you could actually "talk to someone like her." No more will you use expressions like "he's dead, Jim" or "beam me up, Scotty." Your life will change forever.
So, find where that Harry Potter book party will be, and drive the other direction. Barnes & Noble does not need your $20.99 today. J.K. Rowling can wait until the book comes out in paperback to get your royalties. There's an orgasm out there with your name on it. What are you waiting for?
Note: The preceeding story is an experiment from the Psychology Department at the University of Chicago. It is an attempt to see how many adult Harry Potter nerds will actually get laid rather than attend book parties. Text for that story has been placed as a flyer in comic book stores and gaming shops across the English speaking world to get the word out to the target audience. The title of the paper is such that it will entice nerds to read it and possibly decide to come over to "the dark side."
The University has contacted the American Association of Prostitutes and Street Walkers and will get totals on what percentage of clients on that day are nerds and virgins (it's obvious to the professionals, by the way). This raw data will be analyzed and a report will be released. Dr. Kinsey of the University has projected that a grand total of two "original orgasmic events" will take place that night somewhere in the world. That estimate, however, may be a little high according to other experts.