Written by queen mudder
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Thursday, 5 July 2007

image for Doherty slams Kate Moss as paranoid old slag
Doherty in trademark Fedora on the cover of his latest album

London - (Rioters): Babyshambles musician Pete Doherty has slammed Kate Moss as a paranoid old slag whose jealousies drove him over the edge into crack cocaine use.

"It's all her bleedin' fault I'm junked up to the eyeballs," Doherty told the press today after Moss had evicted him from her £3 million Primrose Hill house, dumped his belongings in a skip, sent back all the presents he had given her during the last three years, closed their joint bank accounts, changed the locks and posted a dozen security men outside her home complete with SAS-trained rottweiler sniffer dogs.

"If he so much as comes within a hundred yards of my property the dogs will know," Moss stated with a grim look of satisfaction on her face.

Doherty meanwhile was appearing before London magistrates today on yet another drug possession charge after being put on probation last time round.

A brilliant trump card citing medical evidence had convinced the Judge that he was suffering from a congenital cannabis deficiency, which ensured a non-custodial sentence.

Normally anybody caught with half a kilo of cannabis, two ounces of smack, twenty grams of cocaine, three dozen crack rocks, one hundred E-tabs, a carrier bag full of amphetamine sulphate, two dozen black market valium and enough ketamine to treat all the horses stabled in Newmarket...would get a severe custodial sentence for possession as well as dealing.

But things were not looking so rosy for Doherty today who said via his lawyer that the emotional strain of breaking uo with Moss was responsible for his drug use.

"Ain't my faul, yer Honer. Slag wound me up and dumped me. What more canna say?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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