LOS ANGELES (LAX) -- In a shock development late today, Paris Hilton, 26, married 482 of the leading paparazzi stalkers in Hollywood, much to the delight of boarding and disembarking airline passengers.
"It's Big Love. This way I won't have to go out for photo's and will only be pestered for sex," said Ms, now Mrs Hilton-Paparazzi. (A married name all agreed upon.)
"As a Mormon, you are not allowed to tell fibs to Larry King, so you all believe me now.." Apparently a reference to her stating on the King program that she had never used drugs. However, because of her ADD (attention deficit disorder), some kind soul had painted in Big Letters on her mansion wall the Net address for video evidence of her porn and drug adventures.
The grooms were all required to sign a prenuptial stating that in the unlikely event of a mass divorce, they would only get to keep the photo's. A paparazzo, asked if he didn't mind this arrangement said simply, "Ah, it's a living."
The bride wore a LA daywear orange taffeta micro-mini matched with a da Vinci plain white cotton $400 T-shirt. An Indian ocean green turtle jacket with the words "Attica! Attica!" embroidered in Devon cream on the back, set off the ensemble. Shoes were by Yo Yo Joe's size 11 Pacific ocean breakers at daybreak foam pumps. She carried a LAX canteen tray with a used ashtray and coffee mug.
The reception to be held at Bradgelina was cancelled, as they were closed for adoptions.
So the party moved on to Cher's driveway, up a tree outside "Promises" Rehab Clinic and wherever Britney Elly May Spears and her critters were. Paris did the rounds.
Ending the night back at LAX, Paris donned a black wig and hessian bag and boarded a flight (alone) to Hawaii and the surfer colony, to do good missionary work, hotly followed on the next available Jumbo by most of her "husbands."
"I was born to play Private Benjamin," said Paris, before boarding the plane.
And that was the last time I saw Paris..